This is been one of the worst weeks of my life (And that’s fucking saying) something.
I’ve been unable to get out of bed. When I do I cry a lot. I throw up a lot. I’ve pretty much felt like I’ve been having a heart attack for Three consecutive days. Not a good look as I rocket towards a week of sad stuff and doctors appointments.
My therapist has upped my appointments to twice a week. My meds have been doubled. My usually empty house has been coincidentally full of people in a concerted effort for me not to be alone.
I think they’re worried about me. I think they think I’m broken but I’m not sure I can be any more broken though this week showed me I can’t be more sad and certainly more disappointed.  there’s literally so much going on so much fucking terrible for me so much terrible in the world that it would take something awful to make anything stand out.. HEY Thanks 2020!! 
The point of part one of this is not how messed up i am right now. I think anyone who knows me even a little bit knows the over under on my level of non-function right now.
 i’m capable of nothing.zero. Unless someone wants me to throw up or cry I can’t help you for a little bit.

But that’s probably OK I don’t know how a normal human would function in the last five years I’ve had. I know as many dead people as live people right now. I’ve seen so much illness and loss my eyes burn at the hint of crying.
The last few days will go down in history as some real fucking terrible days.

I lost two friends this week.. both on either end of the meat grinder that is manipulation and abuse.
One is gone one I won’t watch get torn apart. I’ve seen too many houses burned down from the inside. I won’t watch this one.Because of the this they are very much alive but they are both very much gone. One for Forever one For now.

One was hurt long before I knew them. They manage to get out but it looks as if one how or the other they succumbed to the after affects of abuse. Sometimes the things that make you not hurt anymore and sometimes the things you put your body through catch up. Every bit of Armor turns to An iron maiden them when you wear it to long. You Bleed from the inside out.
The other One I got sucked up as a prop in the weird song and dance.  The insane Funhouse of walking away to get pulled back in. “I’ve been lied to you I’ve been stolen from but it will be different this time” and maybe it will maybe I’m wrong. all I really want is for people to be safe and happy. 
I’ll miss them both. Strangely the one that still walkIng the earth Seems as gone as the other. Maybe that means I’m a coward or maybe that means I’m a person and I only have so much bandwidth, I only have so much help to give.
You can’t convince people of things they just won’t be convinced of. You can’t Steer a Train.
But in 2020 Which seems more like The pre-credit scroll to an apocalyptic film then calendar year, We need to try. The scary thing about manipulation and gaslighting is The situation is precondition have anyone trying to help as someone trying to affront on the abuser in the abuses “happiness“.
They may not listen. They probably won’t listen. Trying to change their mind is like banging your head against the wall. Help empower of the people who are trying to get out. In a lot of cases they’re too close to to be able to sort out the logistics to leave their abuser. Make sure they know they’re not alone kingdom sanctuary give them safety.
When they do come they don’t need and “I told you so” they need a hand out of the fire. Them being able to recognize the mental and physical scars are all the “ I told you so” they’re ever going to need. 
I know how this works because wile Im one not the same kind but monsters are monsters and when they get their hooks they are in there in tight.
Help them when they’re ready to be helped and hope that it happens while there’s still enough left of them to come out the other side.
Thinking I could’ve Changed anyone’s mind today is as unrealistic as thinking I can go back in time and change anything that happend to my love I just lost. My dear friend who’s gone.  but what I can do is be there if they come out the other end.
And I will be. With Law or bloody knuckles. As a good guy or bad guy.
I’ll be there
“Some motherfuckers always trying to ice skate up hill”
You can’t help em
But grab every hand outreached in need. (And not for nothing drug and alcohol are as big as abusers as mammals) I guess Point of this is save your fight for people who want to be fought for. Whether they’re in the middle of the wood chipper or trying to make their way in life after living in it. Those are the people who need you. 
I’m closing I guess what I’m trying to say is...
 some people can’t see the flame. Some people can’t feel Burn them. Some people actually  like to be burnt.
None of them are flame retardant. all of them probably need A blanket to Steal the oxygen from the Inferno. But at the end of the day you only have so many blankets. Do you want to help everyone but you can’t. My friend I lost forever told me that every day. I feel bad it took me too long to figure it out. I robed her out of being able to say..
“ I told you so”
Dr. troll hunter

I’ve been unable to get out of bed. When I do I cry a lot. I throw up a lot. I’ve pretty much felt like I’ve been having a heart attack for Three consecutive days. Not a good look as I rocket towards a week of sad stuff and doctors appointments.
My therapist has upped my appointments to twice a week. My meds have been doubled. My usually empty house has been coincidentally full of people in a concerted effort for me not to be alone.
I think they’re worried about me. I think they think I’m broken but I’m not sure I can be any more broken though this week showed me I can’t be more sad and certainly more disappointed.  there’s literally so much going on so much fucking terrible for me so much terrible in the world that it would take something awful to make anything stand out.. HEY Thanks 2020!! 
The point of part one of this is not how messed up i am right now. I think anyone who knows me even a little bit knows the over under on my level of non-function right now.
 i’m capable of nothing.zero. Unless someone wants me to throw up or cry I can’t help you for a little bit.

But that’s probably OK I don’t know how a normal human would function in the last five years I’ve had. I know as many dead people as live people right now. I’ve seen so much illness and loss my eyes burn at the hint of crying.
The last few days will go down in history as some real fucking terrible days.

I lost two friends this week.. both on either end of the meat grinder that is manipulation and abuse.
One is gone one I won’t watch get torn apart. I’ve seen too many houses burned down from the inside. I won’t watch this one.Because of the this they are very much alive but they are both very much gone. One for Forever one For now.

One was hurt long before I knew them. They manage to get out but it looks as if one how or the other they succumbed to the after affects of abuse. Sometimes the things that make you not hurt anymore and sometimes the things you put your body through catch up. Every bit of Armor turns to An iron maiden them when you wear it to long. You Bleed from the inside out.
The other One I got sucked up as a prop in the weird song and dance.  The insane Funhouse of walking away to get pulled back in. “I’ve been lied to you I’ve been stolen from but it will be different this time” and maybe it will maybe I’m wrong. all I really want is for people to be safe and happy. 
I’ll miss them both. Strangely the one that still walkIng the earth Seems as gone as the other. Maybe that means I’m a coward or maybe that means I’m a person and I only have so much bandwidth, I only have so much help to give.
You can’t convince people of things they just won’t be convinced of. You can’t Steer a Train.
But in 2020 Which seems more like The pre-credit scroll to an apocalyptic film then calendar year, We need to try. The scary thing about manipulation and gaslighting is The situation is precondition have anyone trying to help as someone trying to affront on the abuser in the abuses “happiness“.
They may not listen. They probably won’t listen. Trying to change their mind is like banging your head against the wall. Help empower of the people who are trying to get out. In a lot of cases they’re too close to to be able to sort out the logistics to leave their abuser. Make sure they know they’re not alone kingdom sanctuary give them safety.
When they do come they don’t need and “I told you so” they need a hand out of the fire. Them being able to recognize the mental and physical scars are all the “ I told you so” they’re ever going to need. 
I know how this works because wile Im one not the same kind but monsters are monsters and when they get their hooks they are in there in tight.
Help them when they’re ready to be helped and hope that it happens while there’s still enough left of them to come out the other side.
Thinking I could’ve Changed anyone’s mind today is as unrealistic as thinking I can go back in time and change anything that happend to my love I just lost. My dear friend who’s gone.  but what I can do is be there if they come out the other end.
And I will be. With Law or bloody knuckles. As a good guy or bad guy.
I’ll be there
“Some motherfuckers always trying to ice skate up hill”
You can’t help em
But grab every hand outreached in need. (And not for nothing drug and alcohol are as big as abusers as mammals) I guess Point of this is save your fight for people who want to be fought for. Whether they’re in the middle of the wood chipper or trying to make their way in life after living in it. Those are the people who need you. 
I’m closing I guess what I’m trying to say is...
 some people can’t see the flame. Some people can’t feel Burn them. Some people actually  like to be burnt.
None of them are flame retardant. all of them probably need A blanket to Steal the oxygen from the Inferno. But at the end of the day you only have so many blankets. Do you want to help everyone but you can’t. My friend I lost forever told me that every day. I feel bad it took me too long to figure it out. I robed her out of being able to say..
“ I told you so”
Dr. troll hunter

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